Those once passionate convictions of my faith subside along with my smile and excitement to worship. It doesn’t mean I don’t love God. Nor does it mean I don’t trust Him a little still. It doesn’t mean I’ve lost my faith—or have given into the enemy’s schemes.
It means my spirit has paused.
Within the pause a deafening silence moves in. It’s a silence I can barely stand. Understand I never strive for this—it just happens. And I certainly would never strive to stop the numbness.
I must feel it.
I must let emptiness wrap around me and the deafening silence come over me. It’s part of the process. A process that must move at its own pace—one that should never be interrupted. I will not snap out of it, get over it, or even push through it. I will sit in the terrible painstaking silence from heaven and feel the numbness. I’m ok with that. Anything else would be an interruption of the holy work God wants to do.
So I sit. And I wait. As I feel the numbness.
This is the authentic life with God.
Have you ever felt numb?
Here or somewhere…be real.
Share your journey.
I hope this sounds appropriate, but I am so excited for you! I know where you are at, and I know what awaits you, just around the corner. I don't think it was even one or two weeks ago when I turned to Marcos and said, "Can I be anymore numb?" I literally felt like pinching myself just to make sure I was still alive. I think it was when we saw the movie, "The Help," and as much as I was incredibly moved by that movie, I was numb from the reality that the way "the help" (which I prefer to call God's precious creation) was treated still exists on so many levels in our world today, far beyond racial. I was numb from my circumstances, I was numb from my pain, and at the same time if it makes any sense, it was/is incredibly beautiful because God was purifying, refining, removing that which entangles, and bringing it back to as He intended, abiding in Him! Then I heard in my spirit on Sunday, "Radical Love, Radical Life." It took the pain and numbness to bring me there! You are loved and just around the corner is something incredibly beautiful!
ReplyDelete"here's the deal" I sooo heard your voice in this entire post and felt it with you. Yes, I've felt the numbness and never quite thought of "embracing" it so to speak. Thanks for the new perspective!!
ReplyDeleteRight now. All around me life is swirling but I'm trying so hard to just "be still", to allow His voice to penetrate through the noise in my head as life situations are shouting at me.
ReplyDelete...what can I say, except "I fully understand." Numb, empty, pause all has reason... God need to take us to a place where our soil dries so a new thirst can begin. He allows the emptiness so He can fill with the only thing that satisfies. Until then our fragile faith gets us through the pause. My prayer are yours.
ReplyDeleteYes, I can relate. It just happens. Especially in summer when I'm not teaching kids in sunday school. Reading God's word in preparation for lessons help keep me in check. I fear if I was to stop lessons, I would get lost and not find my way back.
ReplyDelete"I will not snap out of it, get over it, or even push through it. I will sit in the terrible painstaking silence from heaven and feel the numbness. I’m ok with that."
ReplyDeleteThank you-K
I'm there,
ReplyDeleteD
Wow! Powerful... thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time to your site...I love this post! Really raw and encouraging. Some people may run from the numb, desperately trying to feel God. God is more than a feeling. God promises He will never leave or forsake us, so in the numbness He is there. He is not some elusive deity. He is in our midst, no matter how we feel. He is quietly working, stretching us beyond ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing style, thank you! :)