Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I'm Done

“It’s just too much, Lord.”

My heart ached. Tears came. Sobs followed.

It was the movement of Holy Spirit in my heart—alerting me to a time of refinement.

“No Lord. Not again.”

But really I had already said yes. Yes to God. Yes to destiny.

How often I forget destiny costs something. For God’s power to move and flow freely through me I must yield to His refining work. A life pursuing destiny is a life seeking more of Him. The painful reality is there is a process to undergo for there to be less of me.

“I don’t know if I can go another round of this, Lord.”

I wanted a way out—an exit door, somewhere that would allow me to catch my breath. I considered a conversion to the comfortable life of the American Christian. The kind of life where faith never goes deep and only showed up on Sunday mornings. Would anyone even notice? Father God made His heart known through the thundering voice of Mufasa, The Lion King. 

Remember who you are.

“Remember who I am?  Lord, I don’t understand.”

You are Mine.

Confused, I wondered if He heard me right. Didn’t He get it? I couldn’t withstand the heat of the refining fire much longer. For hours I watched my own impurities burn over the coals of purification. It was too much. I wanted out.

Remember who you are.

“Lord, I don’t know what You mean. Are You even listening to me? I’m done. I want out. It’s too much.” Tears streamed down my face in frustration.

Father God’s voice became gentle as Holy Spirit brought revelation.
The heat is not just to burn things off of you Beloved.
The heat is meant to burn something within you.
I am burning My identity in you.
It is what you will need to continue on the journey.
Without it you will be lost and without direction to your destiny.

My heart grew light and heavy at the same time. “Why does it have to hurt, Lord?”

Beloved, I am holy. I am marking you with my holiness.

“How long will it take?”

Dear One, I will release you soon.
Draw near and stay with Me.
I won’t leave you alone in this.

Destiny comes with a cost. It’s a willingness to stay on the journey even when it gets hard and even when it becomes unbearable. It’s a belief that the goodness of God is greater than the circumstances we face.

But with the cost comes a reward. The fullness of God’s love revealed to us, the deepening of His presence in our lives, and His identity sealed over our souls. 

It’s not an easy road, but I am choosing to stay on the journey—

How about you?

Here or somewhere…be real.
Share your journey.

Relevant Worship
Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly) by Santus Real

Waiting Here for You by Christy Nockels (Passion)

You Won’t Relent by Jesus Culture

Reflective Scripture
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:7 NIV


  1. Whoa. Get outta my journal! :)

    The refining, wow does it ever hurt.

    The stripping away, seriously just when I thought I was bare, God finds a new level of naked for me.

    The trials and suffering, when I think the worse is over—a new wave rolls onto my shore.

    And yet, looking back…(I can’t believe I’m willing to write this) I wouldn’t change anything.

    I wouldn’t take back my big fancy house, or the lump of flesh removed from my breast, or the friend who betrayed me, or the this, that, and the other. Because it’s clear to me know that all this happened for reason and purpose. I’m finding the gift in each trial. I’m finding my relationship with the Holy Spirit morphing into a new thing. Sometimes I’m not even sure if it’s good or bad – all I know is it is more intense and I’m so much more aware of the Spirit moving and working through me. The words that come out of my mouth – the knowledge that appears from nowhere.

    Like you – I hope and pray that I’m done. I beg God for a breather – emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually. And I have no idea how things will go on my shore. There will be work in the high tides and rest in low tides. I pray for no more tsunamis or storms. But knowing the ocean… there will be.

    And while it will hurt again in the refining, the stripping, the trials and suffering – I’m starting to trust that God’s there—only allowing what I need so that His glory can be revealed.

  2. So real and encouraging! Thank you for sharing and calling us all further towards the Father's heard and destiny!

  3. Wow! This week I cried out, "Can I just have a 'time out' please? A moment(okay much longer than a moment, like maybe a day, a month...) to sit on the stairs and have a breather? How about a mini vacation God where we go together and block everything else out?" His response, "I love you too much to let you go. Draw near to Me, find refuge in the shadow of My wings!" My protest, "But God, You know and You see. What good can come of this?" "Trust Me, daughter, Trust Me!" My quieter protest, "You see the ugliness of humanity, you see my humanity..." His loving reminder, "Daughter, when have I ever been limited by ANYTHING? Will you go even deeper, will you trust ME?" Yes God, I will!

    Your posts always encourage me Laura, but this one, this one is extra special! Thank you for being real and vulnerable!

  4. Needed that today Laura. Thanks!

  5. "Destiny comes with a cost. It’s a willingness to stay on the journey even when it gets hard and even when it becomes unbearable"

    The cost of dying to self so that he may be known and glorified.
    Ouch. I know this cost....
    So good my friend.
    Thank you.