Thursday, January 6, 2011

Spiritual Tumor

I thought I was over it until I saw her. The memory of the offense filled me with rushing waves of rage and indignation. The eyes of my heart beamed darts toward her. I was so overpowered by these emotions I forgot where I was. Oh yeah, church. I’m supposed to be good here. Yet, I could not put on the bogus smile and pretend. I was hurt. And it was quickly turning into a feverish anger towards this woman and every person in close proximity of her. I took a deep breath trying to shake it off. I looked at her again. She was worshiping our Lord. My heart dropped. She had freedom—and I did not. This made me feel even more miserable. I couldn’t deny the truth.  I was intentionally choosing to fuel my fury.  I was fooling myself thinking I was punishing her only to realize I was the one suffering the consequences. Lord, how do I get over this?

Come into My presence.

It was an invitation to enter His presence through worship. I took one more glance at her, now jealous that she was absorbed in the Lord completely unaware of the trials and troubles in her own world.

Lord, the very freedom I desire in this moment is being displayed by the one I won’t forgive. This is hard. How do I move on from this? How do I let go?

Come to Me.

I exhaled deeply. A stubborn spirit coupled with shame for my immaturity weighed heavy on my soul. I closed my eyes.  I knew His agenda--it was to completely eradicate my own. Even as my heart longed for freedom, I wrestled to enter into His presence. My grip was tight on validation. Before I knew it the music faded. The moment was gone. My heart agonized. I did not yield.

Refusing to worship the Lord keeps the offense alive within me. I am at risk of this spiritual tumor spreading to every part of my life. Will I choose to prolong this self-induced ailment? Or will I consent to God to cure my soul with His gentle healing balm? History tells me God will wait for me as I choose. My record proves I will ultimately relent. And when I do my gracious God will do as He always has…

Love me. Heal me. Free me.

I want that. Don’t you?


  1. That is so powerful. Too many times we think that our unforgiveness is hurting those by whom we've been hurt. One does not have to live with an unforgiving spirit. The option of living with unforgivess is comparable to living with cancer and there is a cure.

    It takes time and a willing heart to relent to God and allow HIM to change us first, then others. Harboring resentment, unforgiveness, etc. is feeding into the enemies plan of "divide and conquer".

    I daily ask God to search my heart and remove any unresolved unforgiveness.

    God Bless you Laura thanks for the reminder!

  2. wow... Your openness with your struggles is so encouraging and refreshing. I think its so interesting how being at church some how seems to change our perspective on how we view people so much quicker then if we weren't there. Like we some how feel God watching on us more, or we feel more guilty for not looking at someone the way He does because we are in His house. For me the struggle is finding the strength and love to make sure I view people the way He does whether I'm in His house or not. Where I'm at shouldn't make a difference and having the ability to change my attitude towards someone to see them and love them the way their Father does is more of a healing process for me then anyone else. I have to constantly remind myself that being angry at someone or distant from them or rude to them is hurting me and my relationship with God more then its hurting that person. I'm not perfect and gosh I fail at this constantly, but the more I work on it, the more I feel my heart becoming closer to Gods.

  3. I really like your blog. Today's post is so well said exposing your difficult struggle. As I read your story I was thinking of just how great our God of love is for all of us in our struggle to love. I would just love it if I could find the love of God inside myself to love others on the freeway I commute with. I always start out with the stratgic ideas I've come up with in my head but as soon as I have someone tailgate or cut off the nose of my car I loose all desire to love. Thank God for His grace over me until I learn how to love people like these.
    I look forward to reading more of your posts.

  4. Laura,
    Your vulnerablility touches my heart! I get very excited when I meet other women that have the same passion and need for authenticity as I do. Thank you for putting into words a struggle that my heart has experienced.
    I enjoyed seeing you on Sunday, just seeing you brought back such joyful memories of the womens retreat! I walked away from the retreat with a renewed sense of my inheritance and my calling!!! Seeing you on Sunday was a wonderful reminder of who I am in Christ!!!
    Who knew that just seeing you would spark my heart in such a way:)
    You are an AMAZING woman of the Lord, Laura.
    Thank you for sharing your scars with me.

  5. This is great! I am really proud of you! My first reaction is to wonder if I'm the one you were upset with...which says a lot about me! I really hope not. I have been in the place you described and it can be torture! The great part is that the Lord is so patient. He believes in you so much that He keeps working with you until you can let it go and let Him be judge. He is so good! By the way...He loves you so much, Laura!! He is so proud of you for reaching out to others!!! Like I said, this blog is great!

  6. Laura,

    Thank you for sharing...
    Bear one another's burdens so fulfill the law of Christ.
    Galatians 6:2

  7. I want you to know that I am rooting for you and I am so eager to see all God has for you. I am thankful that I can be part of your journey through this blog.

  8. Am so excited to discover your blog! One of your beautiful Psalm 23 bracelets is being lovingly shared by the ladies in our small group Bible study - each one get to wear it for a month and then passes it to another (unless there is an immediate need - then we have a special prayer for that lady and she gets to wear the bracelet until she feels ready to pass it on.) God's Psalm 23 promises are POWERFUL and UNFAILING, and the bracelet is a constant reminder of that - it not only brings each wearer comfort and assurance, but also provides wonderful opportunities to share God's love. When people comment "I love your bracelet" - that's our qeue to explain Psalm 23 through the colorful stones and charms, and to tell them how the Lord's loving grace is working in our lives. Thank you! - for designing your lovely and meaningful jewelry, and for providing such unique tools for testimony! Looking forward to reading your blog daily. Be Blessed - Sharon

  9. Love the vulnerability in your story! Especially one shared from church. Yes, we're human and far from perfect! So, blessed by you friend!

    More please :)

  10. Your transparency and honesty is refreshing Laura! We sometimes think church is a place where these things do not exist or where they should not exist. I had a situation in church where things were unfairly said about me in my absence. I was hurt to learn of them, and I was also hurt that no one asked me if what was said was true. I cried out to God and asked Him to vindicate me and reveal the truth. God lovingly responded with, "What if vindication is not part of my plan? What if I am asking you instead to pour on the oil and respond with love?" Sure, I wanted vindication and justice but the greater risk was love! Thankfully I was obedient and took the risk, freeing me to love and to understand just how much God loves me!

  11. Thank you for being so real and open with your struggles. I look forward to reading more from you. Miss you my friend.

  12. I agree with others' comments. I especially appreciate the authenticity and openness. That "realness" is refreshing!

  13. Thank you for all the comments posted on this blog. Each of you were entered into a random drawing to win a free copy of Out of the Overflow...

    Congratulations to Cheryl! (post #12)

    Many of you shared part of your journey and gave great insight and for that I thank you. I loved reading your thoughts and vulnerability. Your thoughts will surely encourage other readers in the future. Thank you for your encouragment for more vulnerable blogs like this one. New posts to come twice a week.

    Blessings to you. ~Laura

    To Carey: God is so good to give you a new spark during our little reunion on Sunday. He is so good.

    To Sharon: I'm so impressed with the unique way your group shares life through Psalm 23. What a beautiful idea! Thanks you for sharing that with me.

  14. Wow! Thanks Laura! I can't wait to read your article in the book.

  15. Beautiful "voice", Laura. Could hear it so easily, love you friend and look forward to reading more of your amazing journey.